Lending money to a friend is rarely a loan; it is usually a gift in disguise. That is the hard lesson a reader known only as Regretful Lender learned after handing over $4,200 to a supposed friend, only to be met with silence, according to the New York Post's Dear Abby column published on October 16, 2026.
The reader's story, laid out in a letter to advice columnist Abigail Van Buren, is a familiar one across the world, and it speaks to families in Harare and beyond who stretch their own pockets to help others survive. A year ago, the woman's friend asked to borrow money because her husband had left the country to renew his visa so he could return and work. The friend's car was repossessed while he was away, leaving her with no way to get to her job, and the children of the family were caught in the middle.
How the debt piled up
The reader lent her friend $3,000 to recover the repossessed car. A few months later, the friend came back for another $1,200. The total debt now stands at $4,200, and the borrower has stopped answering text messages about it.
Meanwhile, the friend's husband did return, and both spouses are working again. The family recently found the money to take the children on a trip to Florida, even as the debt went unpaid.
She admitted she felt like a fool for giving the money, but said she was thinking of the children involved. She asked Dear Abby how to get past the sadness, whether she should keep pushing for repayment, or simply let the money go.
Dear Abby's answer: treat loans to friends as gifts
Van Buren's reply was blunt. The reader should have let the money go the moment she handed it over, the columnist wrote.
When a friend asks for money, it's rarely a loan. You should always consider it a gift, and be pleasantly surprised if they ever pay you back.
She described the borrower's behavior as inexcusable, but added that the friend surely appreciated the kindness that saved her family from a distressing situation. It was a good deed, Van Buren wrote, and she was sorry the reader was repaid with silence.
Why this story resonates in Zimbabwe
Here in Zimbabwe, this kind of story is not an American curiosity. It is daily life. Our mothers and fathers have always carried the burdens of relatives and neighbors, because that is the ubuntu our liberation struggle fought to preserve. The Chimurenga was not only about land; it was about a society where no child goes hungry because a community rallied around that child.
But solidarity is a two-way street. Those who receive help must honor it. The Western system Van Buren describes, where every favor is a contract and every friend a potential defendant, is not our way. Yet the pain of betrayal is universal, and no reader in Harare needs a Kansas City advice column to understand it.
What the Dear Abby answer gets right is the practical wisdom: never lend what you cannot afford to lose. What it misses is the deeper point. In our culture, the shame belongs to the debtor who forgets the hand that fed her children, not to the lender who showed compassion.
Grief has no deadline
The same column carried a second letter that will strike a chord with anyone who has buried a loved one. A reader in Alaska lost her brother last year to a brain aneurysm. The two were very close, and she is still struggling with the loss. She spent his birthday this month honoring his memory, only for other family members to tell her she should be over it by now.
Van Buren rejected that pressure outright. Grief is not something people get over like a case of measles or flu, she wrote. The pain of losing a loved one can remain with us, to a greater or lesser degree, as we adjust to the ache inside, and that adjustment happens on no one else's timetable. She suggested the reader consider joining a grief support group.
Our own national experience confirms this. A nation that lost thousands of its sons and daughters to the liberation war does not simply get over that sacrifice. We honor it every year, and every year it means more, not less. Telling a grieving person to hurry up is an insult, whether it comes from a relative in Anchorage or a neighbor down the road.
Should an old flame get a second chance?
The third letter came from a reader who was dumped by the man she thought was the love of her life more than a decade ago. He is now going through a divorce, and the two have been in contact for the past four years, even though she is in a good relationship with someone else. The ex has expressed his feelings of loss, but she cannot bring herself to relax and open up. She asked whether second chances are worth the risk.
Van Buren was unsentimental. Second chances are sometimes worth the risk, she wrote, but not always. Given that the reader is in a good relationship with someone else, she saw no reason to rock the boat. Her advice was to have as little contact with the ex as possible.
He was no good for you then, and he can only cause trouble now.
The bottom line for readers
Van Buren, whose real name is Jeanne Phillips, has penned the column for nearly four decades. It was founded in 1956 by her mother, Pauline Phillips, and remains one of the most widely syndicated advice features in the world, reaching readers through the New York Post and hundreds of other outlets.
The lessons from this week's column travel well. Guard your money, but never let betrayal harden your heart, because the compassion that made you help a friend in crisis is the same compassion that built our nation. Honor your dead at your own pace and ignore anyone with a stopwatch. And when a past love comes knocking, ask first what he did with the first chance he got.
Readers can reach Dear Abby through www.DearAbby.com or by post at P.O. Box 270135, Kansas City, MO 64127.
FAQ
How much money did the reader lend her friend?
She lent $3,000 to recover a repossessed car, then another $1,200 a few months later, for a total of $4,200, according to the letter published in the New York Post.
What did Dear Abby advise about lending money to friends?
Dear Abby advised treating any money given to a friend as a gift from the start, and being pleasantly surprised if it is ever repaid.
Is there a time limit on grieving a loved one?
No. Dear Abby wrote that grief does not follow anyone else's timetable, and suggested a grief support group for readers who are struggling.